The Usually Weekly Funnies

FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER .............
Or even those who don't, questions from the Hollywood Squares Game Show...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat ?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness !
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show !)

Q . Do female frogs croak ?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q . If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman ?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married ?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older ?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You' ?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough' ?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking ?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather ?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year ?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet ?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls ?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on it's head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do ?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark ?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to ?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people ?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it ?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant ?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant ?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex ?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they ?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed ?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

THINGS I LEARNED IN N.C.

1.. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2.. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in N.C.

3.. There are 10,000 types of spiders and all 10,000 of them live in N.C.

4.. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5.. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6.. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7.. "Jaw-P?" means "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"

8.. People actually grow and eat okra.

9.. "Fixinto" is one word.

10.. There is no such thing as LUNCH. There's only dinner and then there is supper.

11.. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

12.. "Backwards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."

13.. The word "JEET" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14.. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15.. You don't "PUSH" buttons, you "MASH" `em.

16.. You measure distance in minutes.

17.. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

18.. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

19.. You know what a "DAWG" is.

20.. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car!

21.. You only own 5 spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco sauce and ketchup.

22.. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.

23.. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

24.. You find 100 degrees "a bit warm".

25.. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

26.. Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."

27.. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.

28.. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

29.. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed.

'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'